Baby steps of a fighter

The anxiety is overwhelming.  Waking every morning with a nervous stomach, mind racing.  If I have a dream about another man, I wake up anxious and I can't seem to shake the feeling.  Yes, some people say it's underlying of other things that are wrong.  I'm just not seeing that.  I'm a faithful woman and I truly believe that anxiety is the devil.  It grasps onto the things we cherish the most and tries to tear them apart.  As I've been doing so much reading about anxiety and the lives of the people who live it, it makes me realize that we are strong.  The ones of us that choose to fight, share, help.  We are strong.  It may not feel that way in the moment, but we are.
Also, as of late, I have been reading a lot about nutrition for people who struggle with anxiety.  Let me preface, I'm not a doctor.  Please do you own research.  That being said, I have taken a long and sugary look at my diet.  Wow.  And sugar is anxiety's enemy.  Well, knowing that is good on many levels.  We can adjust.  We can learn.  We can become physically as well as mentally healthy.  Now, nutrition alone will not solve your anxiety, but having a good diet can certainly help.
So, starting Monday, I'm taking a challenge.  The 31-day sugar detox.  The first three days look like torture.  Nothing but lean proteins (meats) and non-starchy green veggies. Three days no Girl Scout Cookies.  Oh wait - 31 days at least without Girl Scout Cookies!  Ugh...and there are Thin Mints in my freezer right now.  Bummer!
So, on this day - one of my worst days as of late - with a stomach in knots, mind-a-racing, headache, tired, nauseated, I choose to take this challenge.   Maybe I'm crazy, I mean, well, that's a given - Hello! no girl scout cookies.  But I can do this.  One day at a time.  Just one day at a time.  Jesus spent 40 days in the desert with satan in his ear...tempting him...but it's our actions of Love that show who we are.  Not our thoughts.  Those are even different that our beliefs and what we know to be true. In this case, I'm showing myself love by choosing this challenge.  Pushing satan away by choosing love and goodness and health.  Choosing the people that stand and support us through our struggles.
Now, if you're not a Godly believer - that's okay.  Fight this for the love of yourself and your family. To make yourself stronger.
I've taken many steps at different stages of this.  This step is for my health, my confidence, my mental clarity, my loves, and my life.  It's a sacrifice.  But by suffering and not fighting, I'm sacrificing my daily life and my happiness.
So there it is.  Hold me accountable.  Go ahead.  I'll be reporting.  I'm sure the first 3 days are gonna be torture.  The sugar leaving my system.  The irritability and agitation and fatigue.  Oh wait - I already feel that way...what's another three days, right?!! Right! (gulp)
~B

Seriously...Duh!

So, I'm flipping through www.yahoo.com as I normally do when I want some "news" and I come across an article - "Depressed?Anxious?It Could Be Early Symptoms of These Illnesses".  Okay, first off - way to go Yahoo! for making the anxious and panicked, more anxious and panicked.  Second of all - DUH!!!  No seriously - DUH.  In the past years, I have learned that my anxiety is controlled by so many factors, that don't just include the brain.  No, seriously!
So like I said in previous posts, I actually had a colonoscopy/endoscopy done. They went in from both sides, shook hands in the middle and came out with - NOTHING!  My insides were glorious.  Well, that's great, but what the hell was going on with this nervous stomach.  Looking back on this time, I was also a sleep deprived, nourishment deprived, exercise deprived shell of a human being.  I was a new mother.  Oh wait - and what else is there - the dreaded H word - HORMONES!  Oh yes ladies (and gents, if you're reading) Hormones.  Oh yeah, that was a kicker.  I had not read and no one had told me to what degree your hormones go all wonky after you birth a tiny human.  And also, it takes up to a year for your hormones to settle back to where they are normal.  Not to mention, after having the tiny person, your old normal is not your new normal.  You've got to be kidding.  Oh no, my friend, I am not.  No wonder so many of us lose our s#$! after having tiny persons.
Now add on top of that, we're probably not eating the best either.  We are eating whatever we can grab at the time, and honestly, a granola bar or a little cup of yogurt or a bag of chips is not gonna nourish us for several hours.  Now be honest with yourselves, how many were just eating processed crap all the time cause it was the quickest.  Yeah, I know, it me too...cause it tastes so freakin' good.  I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to eat raw or eat clean or whatever, but our nutrition does play a role in how we feel.  The more processed the ickier we feel.  Chemicals and whatnot.  The cleaner we eat, the better we feel.  Trust me, I'm still working on it.  I love my processed food and my Burger King Original Chicken sandwiches.  But trying to eat cleaner, better, whatever you want to call it can help the body work a bit better.
Exercise...yup, I know...it's a killer and they tell you not to do much, especially after a C-section.  Now, I didn't have one of those (or two of those) but I also didn't exercise after my first daughter.  Unless you count, getting up to go to the kitchen to get the aforementioned chips.  Just walking is great right after the baby is born. Walk walk walk.  Up and down the street. I don't need to dwell on exercise - you're smart people - you know what it is.  Now go do it...just a 5 minutes a day.  Then maybe 5 minutes 2 times a day.  If you want tiny workouts, I'm not a guru, but I'll put some things in if you're interested. Just post in the notes and I'll be happy to
Back to the hormones...guess what!  It's 8 years later and the proverbial s$%! has hit the fan again.  What the hell was happening.  Oh you guessed it...hormones.  Turns out once you hit 30, your hormones naturally decrease.  Slowly but surely.  So gradually that sometimes we miss it.  Well, after years of dealing and research and doctors, I'm so hyper-aware of my body, it might be a curse.  So, yeah, hormones.  Wicked little buggers. So i had tests run with my OB/GYN, and they fell in the normal range..oh yeah, did I mention the normal range was between 0-500!!  Yup, not kidding.  Well, 350 might be great for you, but feel terrible for me.  So here we go...hormone treatments.  As natural as possible.  And I learned progesterone is the anti-estrogen.  So, that's fun too for during your cycle. So now we have to figure out where my hormone levels are good for me.  And I asked nicely if she could put a bit of testosterone in there too, I thought my husband would appreciate a bit of a rise in my libido - since I don't have one.  So, it's been a journey.  I track my cycle and how i'm feeling that day in a small calendar book.  I have the days of my cycle written out and then just "anxious", "good", "anxious in AM".  And then I add if I needed my little helper, Xanax, and how much I took that day.  Once you can start seeing where you fall and what days in the cycle, it makes it easier to assess and warn others if a bad day is gonna rear it's ugly head.
Now the article goes on about certain diseases...Hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism...those two...guess what...involve hormones.  Now, i'm not a doctor, so I don't know exactly which ones, but I do know, from family history, that this is true.  So, to the article people...thank you, but duh...and please don't give us anything else to stress about...
~B

Anxiety is a Bitch

Anxiety is a bitch.  No doubt about it.  It is.  It's this little angry monster inside your head that feeds on images and ideas of the things we hold most dear.  What is that for you?  Mine is my husband, marriage, kids.  Right now, those are my precious things.  Oh my, the anxiety is a bitch.
Marriage is hard.  The first year, the tenth year (which is where I fall) and the 53rd year (which is where my parents fall).  It's hard.  It seems that my generation gets married to have a wedding, not a marriage.  I look around and so many people are getting divorced.  It weighs on my mind.  And when the anxiety is present, hold on to your horses, cause we got some torque! It's all over the place.  Did I marry the right man?  Am I really happy?  Would it be easier to get out?  Would I really be happy if I did?  What does it mean to be "in love?"  Since I'm not a sexual person, does that mean that I'm not attracted to my husband? Why does he put up with me? Really, do I have 50+ years of this? Do I love him enough?  Does he love me enough? Do we spend enough time together? What is "right" for a marriage? So, do you see how this can lead to a downward spiral.  And then, let's add the guilt on top of it for having these questions in my head in the first place.
Anxiety is a bitch...like the mean girl at school who's trying to break up your relationship because you're dating the captain of the soccer team and she wants him.
Oh, and the kids...oh my goodness!  The things that pop in there.  Good grief.  Now, how does the quote that I posted have anything to do with this.  Well, here it is.  Keeping lines of communications open with you spouse is key.  They may not have ever experienced panic or anxiety, but that doesn't matter.  You know you.  Your spouse knows you.  Keeping those lines open is the answer.  Now, that's not to say that we should be blunt about our thoughts, cause sometimes they can but a bit brutal, but letting them know, is not bad.
Want an example...well, here it is.  Like I said, many of my friends are going through divorces.  I woke up one morning with the worst nervous stomach.  All I could think about was divorce.  Not that I wanted one, just the thought of it was causing me anxiety.  It was everywhere.  There was even a sign outside on the road that says "Easy Divorce $149".  I mean, really?!  My hubs asked me what was wrong, so I told him what was on my mind...he did not judge, he did not cringe.  He just assured me that he wasn't going anywhere.  And that when it comes to my anxiety, as long as I was willing to fight, he'd be by my side.
Now, the common thing I keep hearing is "I'm not 'in love' with them anymore." Damn it!  What does that mean.  I went to my mom.  Again, going on 53 years of marriage here and she described it accurately. What most people think of as "in love" is quite the Disney idea.  And it is more about being "in lust".  After that, love has so many forms.  The love you have for your spouse when a baby is born/adopted. The love when someone passes away.  The love of comfort.  And oh so many more.  It's not exciting and it's not fireworks.  Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's love that he doesn't fart under the covers.  And there is a love when you have to share your soul and your mind with someone, like with the anxiety...and they still love you and embrace you.  They support you.  They know when to hold you, and when to tell you to "get your shit together." And again marriage is tough.  There are ups and downs.  More in love, less in love.  No like, like a lot.  We are people and very different ones at that.  I mean, I wouldn't be married to me...I'm a mess...duh.
Keeping the lines of communication open with the love of your life is crucial, cause they won't mind.
And on the last note, sometimes sharing your story, helps someone you never even knew was struggling.  Your struggle may inspire another to seek help.  So, be who you are.
~B

Screw the smile

Welcome back everyone!  No truer words have been spoken than the ones on the right.  I wish I could say that plastering a smile on your face during an anxiety attack, or even just during the times that you have an uneasy, slightly anxious feeling, really works. But, alas, I have found it does not.  Especially if you don't have anything to do with your hands or your mind.  So, here's what I have found true...
Give yourself a task.  Small at first, especially if you get overwhelmed.  Today, for example, my task was to get all the laundry folded.  I told my kids that if they came downstairs during this process, that they would have to assist me and then carry their laundry upstairs and put it away.  Don't get me wrong - normally, I'm a huge proponent of chores.  My kids are ages 5 and 8, and I find they are fully capable of doing chores.  However, today I needed to keep my hands and mind busy.  Now, folding laundry seems kinda mindless and some fear their minds wander.  Well, here's my trick.  Get the number of bins that you have family members.  Put them in no order...choose which bin is for which person.  Mix them up, don't give it logic.  Then you will have to currently be thinking about which bin to throw a person's clothes in. It sounds simple, but seriously it works.  Before I knew it, I was done.  Okay, task accomplished.  Now, new task - putting it away.  One person at a time.  So here's the deal... again I needed distraction.  So instead of just putting my husbands clothes away, I pulled all his t-shirts out of his closet and added them to the laundry I had just done.  Then, new piles of different types of t's.  See my hubs has undershirts, wicking t-shirts, random college tees...so I separated all of them into different piles, folded neatly and put them back.  Voila - two birds!  Laundry put away and a cleaner closet!  This went on for a while since I had other people's laundry to put away too.  This is when you choose to rearrange your children's drawers or purge some stuff.  It keeps your brain and your hands busy.  Not to mention your body gets up and moving.
Now, let me also state that I take a daily anxiety medicine and today I needed my little extra helper of Xanax.  Eased my stomach so I could eat and calmed the cold chillies I get when anxious.  But even with all this said, I wasn't anxious about all this stuff.  Living in a chaotic mess doesn't make me anxious.  What does is my husband coming home to the chaotic mess.  It frustrates him.   Makes him a bit tense.  He doesn't say anything - unless it gets really bad, but I can tell by his mannerisms and such that it gets to him So, in this case, he gets a clean house and I can relax knowing I did something to make him happy.
I know, I know, I sound like a 50's wife.  Trust me - I am definitely not!  I am such an independent woman, but choosing to stay home when I had children, caused me to have to become a bit dependent on someone else to financially support us.  It has been a very difficult struggle and sometimes the cause of my anxiety.  I was raised a very independent, college graduate, pay your own bills, make money, put food on the table, have a mortgage - type of woman.  And as much as I love being home with my kids, and being here and raising functioning, happy, healthy, polite children that will do well in society - well, the fact is - it's a thankless job.  It's an isolating job.  The reward is slow and steady and sometimes we miss it.  And yes, I do like the fact that I spend most of my days in  yoga pants, I do crave the opportunity to get dressed up. Get out of the house.  Feel productive and adored and praised by people that are taller than 50"...
Here's some advice to those of you who are home and feel isolated and under-appreciated...let your spouse know...tell them you NEED to hear what a good job you are doing.  It sounds silly, but for me, my love language is verbal affirmations.  Yours may not be, but regardless you are opening your lines of communication and this helps make suffering from anxiety a little less anxious.
~B