Commitment is Sexy. Commitment is Romantic.

Commitment is sexy.  Oh yes, it is.  But it sure as hell doesn't always feel sexy.  Sometimes it doesn't even feel good.  I know, that's horrible.  I'm sure you've figured out by now that I tend to speak my mind.  I've also said before that my greatest fear is divorce.  I'm not sure why.  Not sure if it's the failure part, or the separating of family part, or the letting someone else down, or the not sticking to your word.  I haven't figured it out.  And again, when my anxiety flares up, for whatever reason, it makes me doubt myself in my marriage.  Am I doing enough for him?  Is he happy?  Do I make him happy?  Does he want out?  Did I pick the right man?  Did I marry too young?  Well, I could go on and on, but I won't...unless you ask and then, sure, why not...

Everyone has their own fears.  If you suffer from bouts of anxiety or panic, we all know that they are irrational.  Not to criticize, but those of you who are afraid of cottonballs...I'm not exactly sure how that works, just like you may not understand how I have my irrational fears.  The point is, most of the time they are just that.  It's something that on a daily basis, when all your brain functions and everything are running "normal", you would think little about.  But when the tide hits, man, it just feeds.  For me, driving down the street and I see a sign that says, "Easy Divorce - $450"...really...easy?!...for whom exactly?  Ha!  Well, here it is Commitment is Sexy.  Commitment is Romantic.  Keeping your promise, even on days when you just don't wanna (insert temper tantrum and stamping foot here). People tell me:

1. it's not my job to make my husband happy.  That's tough to swallow, but ultimately is true.  But I'd like to be some of the reason that he is happy. 

2. No one has a soul mate. I actually really like this one.  My friend K told me that if we had soulmates, then the first person who didn't pick the right one (way back when) then screwed it for the rest of us.  That made a lot of sense.  It's not romantic, but yet it is.  We are choosing to commit to someone else.  It's a sweet and scary thought.  

3. No one signs up for this.  The troubles and tribulations - for example the ups and downs of my panic/anxiety disorder - well, I didn't sign up for this.  Neither did my husband.  But he has stuck to my side and I to his.  Some days are amazing and some days are not.  But that's okay.  Commitment.  Keeping our word.  Making promises.  It's hard.  

This weekend I went to the beach with my girlfriends.  Some of us were married.  Some divorced.  Some with boyfriends.  We are all between 25-35 years old and we somehow managed a food fight.  Not in public...oh good grief.  It hit me...cheating is like a food fight.  Fun for the 10 minutes that it's going on, but then the cleanup and the cleanup and the food in all the nooks and crannies...and ultimately it spread to our one friend who put down the deposit, not getting it back.  

We have to take in the small moments that we have with who we love.  Invite those butterflies back in every now and then.  Be romantic with our commitments, because to have someone that committed to me is sexy and lovely.  Being a grown up is hard.  Being a responsible grownup is hard. Loving is easy.  Choose everyday to commit.  Granted, I committed the other day to staying in bed and binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns, but man, I committed.  And it was good. 

~B

#anxiety #commitment #marriage #vows #panicattack #buffythevampireslayer #love #anxietyhelp

If You're Thinking Good Thoughts... I Challenge You

Good morning.  Or should I say afternoon.  It's been an interesting couple of weeks and a lot has been piling up in my mind.  It always tends to take form on one subject, because (let's face it) when we have anxious minds, we tend to obsess on one thing til we have beaten it to death, buried it, dug it back up, beat it again and then truly laid it to rest.  It's what we do.  Embrace it.  So...like I said, lots piling up on my mind.
I'm a mom.  I do mom things.  Chauffeur.  Feed and water. Referee. Organize (sorta...my house is a bit of a disheveled situation)  Schedule. Love. Honor. Cherish. Fret. Scream. Hug. Doctor. Nurse. Reader. I'm sure you get the point, cause this list could go on and on.  Well, here's the deal...my kids are great about telling me they love me.  And my heart skips a bit when they say thank you or how special something is out-of-the-blue.  I guess we (my hubs and I) have drilled it into their heads a million times and it's sticking.  Kinda like post-its glue, but it's getting stronger.  So...YAY!  Success.
But as I think about it...I realize that all these positive thoughts we as adults have in our heads, we very rarely say.  I can think, at least twice a day, that I am proud of my husband.  He works hard for himself, his family, his faith.  But do I tell him...not everyday.  Should I tell him.  ABSOLUTELY!  EVERYDAY!  He's struggling a bit with his happiness in his job.  Feeling looked over, taken advantage of...and he's seeing things everyday that have him questioning ethics.  That's tough.  One of the things I love and value is his commitment to his ethics. His strong sense of self and what he stands for. But he faces the challenge everyday and keeps pressing on.  Looking for work, cause he wants and deserves better.  On his athletic endeavors, pushing himself to be the best he can be.  But keeping  a balance in his life to spend the most with his children and his wife.  It's one of the things I love and value most about my parents as well.  They are so ethical in their work, even when their industry is telling them to fudge things a bit. They, just as my husband, stand their ground.  Even if it comes at a loss.  Because it is right.  And they always seemed to have balance.  Even with so many kids running around.
Now, I'm going out on a limb here, but I would guess my husband also thinks positive things about me everyday...but again, does he tell me.  Nope.  And as women, you know I'm right here, we like to hear it.  Tell me how awesome I am.  What a great mother I am. How proud that I'm taking a new track in life and embracing it.  (I'm going back to school, by the way...eep!)
Every so often, I send notes like this to my girlfriends.  Just a text to tell them how special they are.  What great moms they are.  How amazing they are.  Because I know it uplifts them and it does matter that someone notices. Just a little smile on the face.  It goes a long way.
I CHALLENGE YOU.  For the next month.  Tell your partner everyday, at least twice a day, how amazing they are. How wonderful they are. What a great parent they are. How you value that they stick by your side through your rough times. How proud...PROUD.  What a word...PROUD.  It's amazing when someone notices the little things.  Like the struggle and excitement and anxiety of making a change in their or your life...and you handle it with grace.  How awesome they are or you are for balancing this ever unbalanced life that we all lead.  SAY IT OUT LOUD!  SAY IT OUT LOUD!  To their face.  In front of your kids (so important, btw).  In front of others.  In private.
I'm going to take this challenge to my husband.  I'll get back to you in 30-days.

Rock the Playlist

Hello there.  I know it's been a few weeks, but I've been doing a bit of research and questioning. Music is a life source for me.  Sometimes I can't put into words how I'm feeling - but a song, has just the right words.  It can make us laugh or cry or dance or scream or recall an old memory. This is why I have such a love/hate relationship with music.
During my anxious spells, I have to listen to the right stuff.  No, not the New Kids on the Block "The Right Stuff", although it is a goody.  I simply mean it has to have a good message to get me through the day.  So, today I will share with you a bit of my Anxiety Playlist.  I keep it on hand during my ick days.  I blare it in the car and sing along.  I dance to it when no one is home.  I try really hard to dance in the car when my kids are in there with hopes that I can finally achieve the parental life-long dream of embarrassing my children.

1. Up, Up, Up -  Rose Falcon.  Let's tell the day that we are here to bust it's ass and take names.  Puts you in the up state of mind with it's catchy melody.
2. Walkin on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves.  I mean, do I need to say more?
3. Canned Heat - Jamiroquai.  Nothing left to do but dance.  Bring it.  This makes a good running song.  If you just have to run as fast as you can til there's no more air...this is the song.
4. Beat It - Fall Out Boy.  It's an awesomely loud remake of the Michael Jackson classic.  Good headbanging music
5. Don't Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet - "Nashville" soundtrack.  This tells it all.  I'm not done.  Don't you try to bury me.  I've got more left than you ever knew.  Bring it!
6. Everybody Talks - Neon Trees.  This is a good dancy one.  Fun, upbeat...and hey, everybody talks. 7. Hit Me With Your Best Shot/One Way Or Another - "Glee" mash-up.  Again, being a fighter.  Anxiety, you can hit me with your best shot, but I'm gonna getcha!
8. Happy - Pharrell Williams.  Pretty sure this one speaks to most of us.
9. It's On - Cast of "Camp Rock 2".  Yeah, okay it's Disney, but great message.  We can get this.  We can beat it.  We just have to bring it.
10. Leave It All To Me - Miranda Cosgrove.  If you're a God-loving person, I always pretend that this is God singing.  Just leave it all to me.
11. Run the World (Girls) - Beyonce. Duh!!
12. Shake It Off - Taylor Swift.  Again, listen to the message
13. Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson.  This is a dance, sing at the top of your lungs, jam out kinda song.
14. Titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia.  Cause we are.  You can't break us.  You just have to believe.
15. Roar - Katy Perry.  I love this one.  It is on so many of my playlists.
16. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor.  This gets you ready.  Bring on the day.  Bring on the battle.  Put  your gloves on Rocky, cause you've got a belt to win.
17. Stronger - Britney Spears.  Stronger than yesterday.  She knows what she's talking about.
18. Fighter - Christina Aguilera - One word for all of us.
19. Lose Yourself - Eminem.  Embrace life.  Your passions.  Lose yourself.
20. The Middle - Jimmy Eat World.  Sometimes we feel stuck.  But if it's good enough for us, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
21. Defying Gravity - "Wicked" Soundtrack.  Yeah you are.
22. Wild World - Cat Stevens.  Cause it is.

This songs are meant to motivate.  They are all upbeat and ready to sing.  Put your iPod on repeat and get ready to jam and let those happy thoughts in.  So, get your water bottles filled up, cause you'll need to hydrate.
And remember to look on the bright side - the view is much better from there.
Smiles
~B

Support is key

Hello everyone!  Welcome back if you've been keeping up and welcome first timers.  So, support is key.  Reading some postings as of late, it seems that many people find a lack of support from their spouses or family if they choose to use medication for their anxiety.  Well, here's the deal, now remember, I'm not a doctor, but basically the chemicals in your brain are not functioning the way they are supposed to.  Taking a medication for anxiety is similar to taking insulin for a diabetic.  It something our body doesn't produce the right amount of.
My husband doesn't fully understand either.  More women suffer from anxiety than men.  My husband gets his "high" from doing extreme exercising - Ironman races, triathlons, and marathons.  It works great for him.  He can clear his mind while he's working his body.  And that may very well be the difference.  Men can compartmentalize way better than women.  I'm not saying that women can't, just in observation, it seems that men are better.  Women's brains are kinda like spaghetti junction.  Everything intermixes.  This is why I've never been good at yoga.  I spend the hour trying not to fall over and deciding what I have to do when I finish.  I need to learn to live in the moment...but I've just never been good at that.
The hubs, over the years, through  many ups and downs, and trials, has learned that, for me, medication is part of the routine for now.  Does he love it - no - but it's a necessity for the health and well-being of me, him and our family.
Anxiety, as well as depression and mania, is very hard to understand unless you have experienced. It has benefited us to be open and talk about it.  Originally, I used to feel like he was disappointed in me.  It wasn't something I could control.  I never thought this could happen. I never knew this kind of anxiety existed.  So, for better or for worse, he has learned.  And me thinking he was disappointed - really, it was me projecting.  I was disappointed in myself, because society told me that I let it happen.  And that I should be able to control it.
Support is key!  If it's not a spouse, a close friend.  A support group. Church.  www.adaa.org has lots of resources for support.  Check Facebook, Twitter.  There are affirmation Apps on your phone.
Once you have become okay with anxiety, it is easier to find support.  To accept help and to not project on the world around us.  Tell you spouse how you feel.  You can't argue with someone's feelings.  Embrace the anxiety.
Now, i'm not saying medication is the only way to go.  I have to layer good eating, exercise and medication to balance it out.  Sugar - especially processed - is anxiety's enemy.  It's  a killer, especially when you want that piece of cake or a cookie.  But once our diet is better, it does help us to feel better.  I did the 3-day sugar detox.  More on that coming up in the next post.
Smiles
~B

Baby steps of a fighter

The anxiety is overwhelming.  Waking every morning with a nervous stomach, mind racing.  If I have a dream about another man, I wake up anxious and I can't seem to shake the feeling.  Yes, some people say it's underlying of other things that are wrong.  I'm just not seeing that.  I'm a faithful woman and I truly believe that anxiety is the devil.  It grasps onto the things we cherish the most and tries to tear them apart.  As I've been doing so much reading about anxiety and the lives of the people who live it, it makes me realize that we are strong.  The ones of us that choose to fight, share, help.  We are strong.  It may not feel that way in the moment, but we are.
Also, as of late, I have been reading a lot about nutrition for people who struggle with anxiety.  Let me preface, I'm not a doctor.  Please do you own research.  That being said, I have taken a long and sugary look at my diet.  Wow.  And sugar is anxiety's enemy.  Well, knowing that is good on many levels.  We can adjust.  We can learn.  We can become physically as well as mentally healthy.  Now, nutrition alone will not solve your anxiety, but having a good diet can certainly help.
So, starting Monday, I'm taking a challenge.  The 31-day sugar detox.  The first three days look like torture.  Nothing but lean proteins (meats) and non-starchy green veggies. Three days no Girl Scout Cookies.  Oh wait - 31 days at least without Girl Scout Cookies!  Ugh...and there are Thin Mints in my freezer right now.  Bummer!
So, on this day - one of my worst days as of late - with a stomach in knots, mind-a-racing, headache, tired, nauseated, I choose to take this challenge.   Maybe I'm crazy, I mean, well, that's a given - Hello! no girl scout cookies.  But I can do this.  One day at a time.  Just one day at a time.  Jesus spent 40 days in the desert with satan in his ear...tempting him...but it's our actions of Love that show who we are.  Not our thoughts.  Those are even different that our beliefs and what we know to be true. In this case, I'm showing myself love by choosing this challenge.  Pushing satan away by choosing love and goodness and health.  Choosing the people that stand and support us through our struggles.
Now, if you're not a Godly believer - that's okay.  Fight this for the love of yourself and your family. To make yourself stronger.
I've taken many steps at different stages of this.  This step is for my health, my confidence, my mental clarity, my loves, and my life.  It's a sacrifice.  But by suffering and not fighting, I'm sacrificing my daily life and my happiness.
So there it is.  Hold me accountable.  Go ahead.  I'll be reporting.  I'm sure the first 3 days are gonna be torture.  The sugar leaving my system.  The irritability and agitation and fatigue.  Oh wait - I already feel that way...what's another three days, right?!! Right! (gulp)
~B

Seriously...Duh!

So, I'm flipping through www.yahoo.com as I normally do when I want some "news" and I come across an article - "Depressed?Anxious?It Could Be Early Symptoms of These Illnesses".  Okay, first off - way to go Yahoo! for making the anxious and panicked, more anxious and panicked.  Second of all - DUH!!!  No seriously - DUH.  In the past years, I have learned that my anxiety is controlled by so many factors, that don't just include the brain.  No, seriously!
So like I said in previous posts, I actually had a colonoscopy/endoscopy done. They went in from both sides, shook hands in the middle and came out with - NOTHING!  My insides were glorious.  Well, that's great, but what the hell was going on with this nervous stomach.  Looking back on this time, I was also a sleep deprived, nourishment deprived, exercise deprived shell of a human being.  I was a new mother.  Oh wait - and what else is there - the dreaded H word - HORMONES!  Oh yes ladies (and gents, if you're reading) Hormones.  Oh yeah, that was a kicker.  I had not read and no one had told me to what degree your hormones go all wonky after you birth a tiny human.  And also, it takes up to a year for your hormones to settle back to where they are normal.  Not to mention, after having the tiny person, your old normal is not your new normal.  You've got to be kidding.  Oh no, my friend, I am not.  No wonder so many of us lose our s#$! after having tiny persons.
Now add on top of that, we're probably not eating the best either.  We are eating whatever we can grab at the time, and honestly, a granola bar or a little cup of yogurt or a bag of chips is not gonna nourish us for several hours.  Now be honest with yourselves, how many were just eating processed crap all the time cause it was the quickest.  Yeah, I know, it me too...cause it tastes so freakin' good.  I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to eat raw or eat clean or whatever, but our nutrition does play a role in how we feel.  The more processed the ickier we feel.  Chemicals and whatnot.  The cleaner we eat, the better we feel.  Trust me, I'm still working on it.  I love my processed food and my Burger King Original Chicken sandwiches.  But trying to eat cleaner, better, whatever you want to call it can help the body work a bit better.
Exercise...yup, I know...it's a killer and they tell you not to do much, especially after a C-section.  Now, I didn't have one of those (or two of those) but I also didn't exercise after my first daughter.  Unless you count, getting up to go to the kitchen to get the aforementioned chips.  Just walking is great right after the baby is born. Walk walk walk.  Up and down the street. I don't need to dwell on exercise - you're smart people - you know what it is.  Now go do it...just a 5 minutes a day.  Then maybe 5 minutes 2 times a day.  If you want tiny workouts, I'm not a guru, but I'll put some things in if you're interested. Just post in the notes and I'll be happy to
Back to the hormones...guess what!  It's 8 years later and the proverbial s$%! has hit the fan again.  What the hell was happening.  Oh you guessed it...hormones.  Turns out once you hit 30, your hormones naturally decrease.  Slowly but surely.  So gradually that sometimes we miss it.  Well, after years of dealing and research and doctors, I'm so hyper-aware of my body, it might be a curse.  So, yeah, hormones.  Wicked little buggers. So i had tests run with my OB/GYN, and they fell in the normal range..oh yeah, did I mention the normal range was between 0-500!!  Yup, not kidding.  Well, 350 might be great for you, but feel terrible for me.  So here we go...hormone treatments.  As natural as possible.  And I learned progesterone is the anti-estrogen.  So, that's fun too for during your cycle. So now we have to figure out where my hormone levels are good for me.  And I asked nicely if she could put a bit of testosterone in there too, I thought my husband would appreciate a bit of a rise in my libido - since I don't have one.  So, it's been a journey.  I track my cycle and how i'm feeling that day in a small calendar book.  I have the days of my cycle written out and then just "anxious", "good", "anxious in AM".  And then I add if I needed my little helper, Xanax, and how much I took that day.  Once you can start seeing where you fall and what days in the cycle, it makes it easier to assess and warn others if a bad day is gonna rear it's ugly head.
Now the article goes on about certain diseases...Hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism...those two...guess what...involve hormones.  Now, i'm not a doctor, so I don't know exactly which ones, but I do know, from family history, that this is true.  So, to the article people...thank you, but duh...and please don't give us anything else to stress about...
~B

Anxiety is a Bitch

Anxiety is a bitch.  No doubt about it.  It is.  It's this little angry monster inside your head that feeds on images and ideas of the things we hold most dear.  What is that for you?  Mine is my husband, marriage, kids.  Right now, those are my precious things.  Oh my, the anxiety is a bitch.
Marriage is hard.  The first year, the tenth year (which is where I fall) and the 53rd year (which is where my parents fall).  It's hard.  It seems that my generation gets married to have a wedding, not a marriage.  I look around and so many people are getting divorced.  It weighs on my mind.  And when the anxiety is present, hold on to your horses, cause we got some torque! It's all over the place.  Did I marry the right man?  Am I really happy?  Would it be easier to get out?  Would I really be happy if I did?  What does it mean to be "in love?"  Since I'm not a sexual person, does that mean that I'm not attracted to my husband? Why does he put up with me? Really, do I have 50+ years of this? Do I love him enough?  Does he love me enough? Do we spend enough time together? What is "right" for a marriage? So, do you see how this can lead to a downward spiral.  And then, let's add the guilt on top of it for having these questions in my head in the first place.
Anxiety is a bitch...like the mean girl at school who's trying to break up your relationship because you're dating the captain of the soccer team and she wants him.
Oh, and the kids...oh my goodness!  The things that pop in there.  Good grief.  Now, how does the quote that I posted have anything to do with this.  Well, here it is.  Keeping lines of communications open with you spouse is key.  They may not have ever experienced panic or anxiety, but that doesn't matter.  You know you.  Your spouse knows you.  Keeping those lines open is the answer.  Now, that's not to say that we should be blunt about our thoughts, cause sometimes they can but a bit brutal, but letting them know, is not bad.
Want an example...well, here it is.  Like I said, many of my friends are going through divorces.  I woke up one morning with the worst nervous stomach.  All I could think about was divorce.  Not that I wanted one, just the thought of it was causing me anxiety.  It was everywhere.  There was even a sign outside on the road that says "Easy Divorce $149".  I mean, really?!  My hubs asked me what was wrong, so I told him what was on my mind...he did not judge, he did not cringe.  He just assured me that he wasn't going anywhere.  And that when it comes to my anxiety, as long as I was willing to fight, he'd be by my side.
Now, the common thing I keep hearing is "I'm not 'in love' with them anymore." Damn it!  What does that mean.  I went to my mom.  Again, going on 53 years of marriage here and she described it accurately. What most people think of as "in love" is quite the Disney idea.  And it is more about being "in lust".  After that, love has so many forms.  The love you have for your spouse when a baby is born/adopted. The love when someone passes away.  The love of comfort.  And oh so many more.  It's not exciting and it's not fireworks.  Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's love that he doesn't fart under the covers.  And there is a love when you have to share your soul and your mind with someone, like with the anxiety...and they still love you and embrace you.  They support you.  They know when to hold you, and when to tell you to "get your shit together." And again marriage is tough.  There are ups and downs.  More in love, less in love.  No like, like a lot.  We are people and very different ones at that.  I mean, I wouldn't be married to me...I'm a mess...duh.
Keeping the lines of communication open with the love of your life is crucial, cause they won't mind.
And on the last note, sometimes sharing your story, helps someone you never even knew was struggling.  Your struggle may inspire another to seek help.  So, be who you are.
~B