Everyone has their own fears. If you suffer from bouts of anxiety or panic, we all know that they are irrational. Not to criticize, but those of you who are afraid of cottonballs...I'm not exactly sure how that works, just like you may not understand how I have my irrational fears. The point is, most of the time they are just that. It's something that on a daily basis, when all your brain functions and everything are running "normal", you would think little about. But when the tide hits, man, it just feeds. For me, driving down the street and I see a sign that says, "Easy Divorce - $450"...really...easy?!...for whom exactly? Ha! Well, here it is Commitment is Sexy. Commitment is Romantic. Keeping your promise, even on days when you just don't wanna (insert temper tantrum and stamping foot here). People tell me:
1. it's not my job to make my husband happy. That's tough to swallow, but ultimately is true. But I'd like to be some of the reason that he is happy.
2. No one has a soul mate. I actually really like this one. My friend K told me that if we had soulmates, then the first person who didn't pick the right one (way back when) then screwed it for the rest of us. That made a lot of sense. It's not romantic, but yet it is. We are choosing to commit to someone else. It's a sweet and scary thought.
3. No one signs up for this. The troubles and tribulations - for example the ups and downs of my panic/anxiety disorder - well, I didn't sign up for this. Neither did my husband. But he has stuck to my side and I to his. Some days are amazing and some days are not. But that's okay. Commitment. Keeping our word. Making promises. It's hard.
This weekend I went to the beach with my girlfriends. Some of us were married. Some divorced. Some with boyfriends. We are all between 25-35 years old and we somehow managed a food fight. Not in public...oh good grief. It hit me...cheating is like a food fight. Fun for the 10 minutes that it's going on, but then the cleanup and the cleanup and the food in all the nooks and crannies...and ultimately it spread to our one friend who put down the deposit, not getting it back.
We have to take in the small moments that we have with who we love. Invite those butterflies back in every now and then. Be romantic with our commitments, because to have someone that committed to me is sexy and lovely. Being a grown up is hard. Being a responsible grownup is hard. Loving is easy. Choose everyday to commit. Granted, I committed the other day to staying in bed and binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns, but man, I committed. And it was good.
~B
#anxiety #commitment #marriage #vows #panicattack #buffythevampireslayer #love #anxietyhelp
