Good afternoon. Just a little intro to who I am and why in the world I would choose to candidly write about the struggles of anxiety. I'm a wife. I'm a mother. I'm an entrepreneur. I am a volunteer. I am a makeup artist. I am an actor. That's a lot. But even in all that, I lose myself. Let's start at the beginning.
After the birth of my first daughter, all hell broke loose in my hormones. I suffered from a nasty horrendous case of postpartum depression. Oh yeah, it was loads of fun. We even got to live with my parents for a bit, cause the medicine I was taking caused me to be a bit suicidal in my head. And I kept seeing these scenarios of things happening to my daughter - bad things - she'd end up not alive. It was only the aftermath, but in my head I assumed I must have done it because I was the one that witnessed it. Again, all in my head. So I started making sure we had no plastic bags in the house. No sharp knives were left on the counter (you know, cause an infant who can barely lift her head is gonna pull it down and impale herself.) But these were the ridiculous things that were going through my head and I just kept dwelling on them. I couldn't push them away!
Right after her first birthday, I got to celebrate too - my very first panic attack. Oh, it was lovely. My husband and I were talking about flights to Pittsburgh to help my parents clean out my grandparents house. We just couldn't get our flights straight or if we could afford it. Nothing I haven't dealt with before. I am a seasoned traveler. But here it comes...panic. Heart racing, chest pains, fear...stone cold fear...of what...that I was going to hurt myself if I even moved. I found myself crying and rocking back and forth in our bed and then I called my dad and he came and got me and I thought I was gonna throw up. I just wanted my mommy. I was freaking 27-years-old...WTF!!??!! Oh yeah, this was good times.
A few weeks after that was my first official anxiety attack. For those of you who face them, they are different from the panic attack. I was towel drying my sweet baby girl and I froze with a washcloth over her face. Mind you - I wasn't even touching her with it - I just froze for a split second. And then in that split second after - there came the dreaded anxiety chills. Wow! I had never experienced that before. It was awful and then my mind started racing, "you want to hurt your daughter." What?! NO NO NO!!!!! What the hell. After that I was very conscious of drying her off, cause I didn't want anything to happen. Not really sure what I thought was gonna happen, but nothing...I mean nothing was gonna happen to my sweet girl. A few months went by with nervous stomach and anxiety, but at this point I didn't even know what was happening to me. I even got a colonoscopy and endoscopy cause they thought I was allergic to something. Nope. Tests came back clear. And I have very healthy insides. Good to know. After a slight breakdown and my mother telling me to "Get my shit together," I called a therapist. It was with her that I realized the truth of the matter. Anxiety. Oh yes. The dreaded anxiety struggle. This was over 7 years ago and it has reared its ugly head in full force. So you guys, if you decide to keep reading, you will get to enjoy the tumultuous, yet entertaining struggle that is this life. ~B
